• Monday, November 05, 2007

    its fuckin monday night.. all alone.. in balcony... second chivas in hand.. trying not to shed a tear..
    contemplating the 3rd... i gotta head to work at 4.30 the next morning.. my biggest fuckin problem..... having to think too much....

    im depressed as fuck..brain is overclocking... someone told me not to think of the past and embrace the future... i say fuck the future.. if its only as simple as that... why the future... when life is fuckin me in the ass right now...

    i dont see the point of life no more... i have no fuckin joy.. no satisfaction.. i dont feel alive anymore.. its like im wasting time and space here... what have i got to live for?.. ive got nothing to look forward to... im empty.. i dont feel needed.. feel like a total loser.. i feel so much sorrow... its at the verge of taking over me...
    just feel like gettin loaded.. stabbing myself in the head.... and end this misery...

    only thing stopping me thus far is having my parents blame themselves ... wondering what the fuck they did wrong...

    she came back yesterday...mother and kid tagging along... things being the way they are.. i bumped into them at the mrt station... i received a call from a location i knew.. and went looking for her... and whatdya know.. the biggest surprise of my life.. all i wanted to do was grab her and run away... before i noticed her mother...
    why does god bring two perfectly matched people together if they're not meant to be with each other...
    that smile of hers brought back so many memories... little she already has her mom's beautiful smile...

    the idea of being loved... loving in return.. possibly having a kid without the worries of diapers and late nites.... are sinking... deeper...

    after 2 months of waiting... all i got 30 seconds of her.. i dont know if i'll ever see her again... i dont know how im gonna live with the fact that i gotta let her go... to do something she has no choice but do...

    the chemistry was great... i know for sure she felt the same way... i'd do anything... she seems helpless... i dont know how or what to do...

    i've lost all faith.. i dont believe in anything no more... she lighted up my life.. that light is almost burned out... im fuckin miserable... dead man walking... why am i alive in this flesh.. when i feel so dead...

    i may go today... next week... before i reach 25... this isnt fair...

    "I don't understand a God who would let us meet, if we could never be together." - from one of her favorite movies..

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