• Monday, December 05, 2005

    was talking with Mel over msn earlier.. i've been feeling fucked up since saturday.. when i bumped into her at the Jazz Festival.. didnt expect to see her there.. it never crossed my mind that i might bump into her.. but yea.. she was there collecting tickets.. totally caught me by surprise.. brain went dead.. didnt know what to do nor say.. all i said was "how are you?"..

    throughout the whole event.. i couldnt stop thinking this is way weird.. and every time i turned around i could see her.. i felt like she didnt givva damn that i was there.. it was like yea..she's totally moved on.. she's playing it cool.. this group of people she was with.. i couldnt help but be curious if any one of them were her new boyfriend.. ya know.. stuff like that.. seeing her brought back all the memories and emotions.. i'd like to have spoken to her like before.. but i couldnt.. Is kept telling me to stop looking at her.. but everytime i turned i'd notice her.. being happy..enjoying herself.. everything seems to be cool with her.. i wouldnt know for sure.. but yea.. it did look that way.. i couldnt help but think how ironic things are.. me being in penang.. all along i've wanted to be in penang.. and now that i finally can.. it doesnt matter anymore.. being in penang itself brought back many memories.. like oh! we used to hangout here.. we used to eat here.. we sat there and talked.. we took a walk here.. stuff like that ya know.. we were soo close to each other yet soo far.. we were like total strangers that night.. i kept looking at her.. but she never looked backed.. it was like it didnt bother her that i was there.. like i didnt matter no more.. it felt the same when i called her for her birthday.. she didnt sound glad that i called.. made me feel like i wasted my time waiting up just to call her.. like ya it didnt matter if i'd call or not.. Is was like you're very strong jo.. if it was me in your situation i'd just go home.. but you're strong..

    i really wanted to meet up with her parents.. i regret not being able to this time.. i actually noticed her dad but he was talking with her... i soo wanted to go up and say hi.. but it would have just been awkward with her being there.. he disappeared after that.. apparently her mom and dad noticed me.. but i failed to notice them after that.. i just soo want to meet them.. apologise for what happened.. i havent spoken to them since Mel and I broke up.. just wanna let them know that they still mean alot to me and i am indeed very grateful for everything they've done for me this past 5 years..
    even the whole of today..i just felt like driving down to penang to meet her mom.. felt like getting it off my chest.. i dont know why i feel this way.. but i feel like i let them down..

    after seeing Mel.. realise i do miss her.. all the memories..the times we had together are still fresh in my mind.. i still do care alot for her.. im not mad.. but i cant accept being friends.. i cant meet up with her.. hang out.. like we used to do before.. although it might look the same outside.. but deep down i know its not gonna feel the same.. it'd bring back memories.. memories that i can do nothing about.. we cant be like we used to be before.. i'll only be living a lie.. but i dont see us getting back together.. i wouldnt want to.. it wouldnt be the same anymore.. im no hoping... she doesnt quite understand my point of view for not wanting to be friends.. im not erasing her from my life.. i cant do that.. im not forgetting about her.. but ya gotta understand i cant be friends and see you with another guy.. i cant spend time with you and not think bout what happened and how it was before.. if i say i can.. im a big fat liar..!

    i was going thru all the letters..cards..photos.. today.. it saddens me alot.. everything just changed in an instant.. my whole life just changed with a phone call.. as hard as it was.. i had to put everything in a box and keep it.. no more pictures near my pillow.. in my phone.. in my wallet.. everythings stored away..

    i dont know what to do.. how to resolve this situation.. i can just numb myself of any emotion.. but what will happen everytime i happen to see her? i'd still like to know that she's doing fine and well.. i dont know.. i really dont know.. im having a splitting head ache.. i just wanna lie down..


    Blogger lainieyeoh said...

    chill, mate...time heals?

    12:22 AM  

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