• Wednesday, September 07, 2005

    where do i start...eerrmm how the hell do i start...!
    i've been holding back all those feelings...thoughts...emotions... i wonder everytime..laugh at myself...wondering...am i cursed? what in god's name have i done to receive all these "blessings"... am i some kinda puppet stuck in between some challenge god and satan are up against...just like how Job (from the bible) suffered...the bloody guy did nothing but worship god and in return suffered hell on earth..yeah..eventually he got back everything he lost and stuff...but to me it just aint the same...it aint fair!...
    heck! im lucky, im not suffering like how job did...but still life has been extremely bad this year...i dont know if its just me...but ever since i turned 22..actually 2 days before my birthday things totally changed 360 degrees... crap after bloody crap has been happening...I literally lost everything...my will on life was zero..i decided to just go along with it till the end of the year...make a move in 2006 where hopefully things would turn out better...The only thing that kept me "alive"...was my girlfriend...she was more than that...she was the best thing that ever happened in my life..she was my best friend...she was the only one i looked forward to every single day! i was going thru life cause i knew she was there for me, i felt kinda secure, the only one that i could talk to, the only one who made me feel i was loved, the only one i trusted..

    just when i thought life couldnt get any worst...the only person that meant the world to me...the person my life revolved around for 5 years, said "she's lost all feelings" for me....five years of everything just ended with a short phonecall... with those dreaded words "can we just be friends?" Its been almost a month, and i still find it hard to believe..am i having the biggest motherfucking nightmare, and when i wake up it'd be jan 2005? oh! how i wish!...i never ever thought it'd come down to this, 5 years..all the plans...knowing each others family's...everything to look forward to...

    I can't blame her... i cant say im not mad but im soo freakin sad as well...it hurts soo much.. "can we just be friends" i never thought..i would have bet my life that i'd never hear those words from her..but damn! whats up with girls and that phrase? i dont wanna dissapear from her life, but damn it, i dont think i can go thru being friends...how goddamn awkward will that be?...not because im mad but because of the emotions involved..
    i've always been there for her..i've always tried my best...although i havent been physically there in penang this whole time...its never been easy for me, every single day i wish i was there with her...circumstances just wouldnt allow me to then...she meant the world to me, i would have given my life for her...i still would now to protect her!
    There were unperfect times..nothing's always good..but its part of the relationship..thats what makes us human..imperfections...we knew the challenges and limitations of the relationship...thats the risk we took...i know it was getting to her...but atlease she could have told me earlier..we could have talked and worked things out...
    Ive got alot of regrets in life...and i suppose this is one of the biggest...no point regretting the changes i could have made all this while...i admit i was ignorant..i thought shit would never turn out like it..

    It saddens me...knowing she's lost of feelings and emotions for me...
    i was starting to irritate her...she didnt like me complaining...the only one i had to complain to, wouldnt anyone complain when life serves you shit?...i complained too much and i wasnt doing anything to fix the shit that happened... i had things planned, i wanted to act against coffee bean but i just didnt have the backup i needed...i seemed slow in finding another job...cause im looking for a career and not just a job..and maybe i wanted to experience how life was before i ever got into the job market...i had a near career burnout and i suppose im being more cautious on finding the right job...
    i felt shit kept happening to me, cause ive never experienced prolonged shit like this before...maybe i was wrong for wanting sympaty on what i felt was like a pathethic year.... I planned to move to penang next year..it didnt matter if i got paid jack shit, all i was thinking bout was being close to her, and making her happy..giving her what she was deprived of...well nothing matters now...
    It pisses me off that shes lost all feelings...she doenst give jack shit anymore.. i just dont understand how? im sorry...but i dont...im not completely blaming her for what happened..i cant do that...im the bastard thats to blame as well... oh well! "blessing"?...maybe she didnt want a looser...someone who has lost track in life and wasnt doing anything bout it..

    I dont know how to face her parents...i feel like i let them down...i loved penang but i dont know if i can control my emotions going back there...i've been wanting to call her mom & dad up but i dont know what to say...to her brother - im sorry guy, i always thought of you as my younger bro...i hope y'all aint mad at me and that
    we can still keep in touch..thank you! for accepting me as part of the family...for who i was.. for taking me to church..the only time i enjoyed church sessions..no kidding!
    I havent told my parents...i dont know how to tell them...im living a lie infront of them everyday...i cant say she dumped me...but i feel they know something's up between us...i just havta keep living a lie in front of them untill i figure out how to break the news to them..

    I thought there was still hope..even maybe just a tiny bit..but i guess i was wrong...she doesnt wanna give me false hopes..there's no second chance! i gotta let it go! how? i dont know! everything reminds me of her..everywhere i look.. the clothes..the eau de toilette sprays...the gifts...the photos..
    all those memories..the good times..the holidays..those are most painful...
    I really hope theres no other guy in her life now... i dont think i can love the same again...im not looking forward to anything..

    I pray for a change for the better..but i've been kept feeling like i mean nothing..there's no point for prayers..hope..faith...if god hasnt forsaken me...i want everything good i had back... i dont wanna be a millionaire...i just dont wanna feel like a pathethic looser and keep living a lie..cause i aint glad to be alive right now.. whats my purpose here? i dont wanna be one of those who live to suffer and just die with nothing...im trying to help myself, to get back to where i was...money, job position/title, respect and all that..but shit just aint happening... im not happy bumming around feeling like a looser living a lie! as much as i want to believe that "my time will come" i cant...everything seems like bullshit...faith..believes..religion...all jack shit!

    im sorry mel, for everything i did to cause this to happen to us...i could have made better all those years...i could have been there more..im sorry for being too ignorant..i've lost the person that means the world to me and theres nothing i can do about it...im just soo sorry...i dont know what to hope..what to think.. but i wanna always be there for you...i'll cherish those days..as hard as it seems but i will...i will never forget dec8 2000...march6 2004..and tragically aug 14 2005..

    3 Comments:

    Anonymous vanessa said...

    i feel for you. honestly i do. =(

    6:43 PM  
    Anonymous Lainie said...

    That's really sad, sorry it happened that way...

    8:42 PM  
    Blogger paradoxx said...

    thanks guys...

    1:37 AM  

    Post a Comment

    << Home